So I’m not sure where to begin… I originally started my blog as a form of getting out what I want to say in the real world, but don’t. It was my outlet and over the years, I kind of let it get away from me.
If you had ever read my former blog, A Closeted Gay Boy, you’d know my life chronicles; from my random thoughts to my personal life which included my numerous encounters with hot guys and my fantasies with them. I spoke about my best friend who I secretly loved and struggle of keeping my feelings toward him inside, then it finally coming out, followed by my one sexual encounter with him, down to his drug abuse and recovery and to finally us rebuilding our relationship as friends. I spoke about issues, good and bad. And of course, I spoke about my struggle of being in the closet and my traditional family.
Today, I am hoping to bring that aspect of my blog back. I’m not going to lie, today was such a rough day for me as well as an enlightening day too.
As I mentioned before, I am part of an extremely traditional family, so much so that my father once remarked “I hope he’s not turning gay, because THAT, I can’t handle.” while speaking to my mother after helping my coworker, who happened to be gay, move out of an extremely bad situation with an ex-boyfriend of his. This is the shit that I have to deal with. Not to mention the thought of disappointing my whole family. I just recently attended a wedding of a cousin of mine and everyone was looking at me, including the in-laws, talking about how I need to find a nice girl and that I’m next to be married in the family. I know that a lot would say that that is not my problem and I should live my life freely, but unfortunately for me, I was raised with family and I just can’t imagine living without my family in my life.
Anyway, today started off great. I recently got a second job and have been working two jobs endlessly for about a month now. Today was my first day off in over a week and I was honestly looking forward to a day of relaxing and catching up on the DVR. Like I said, it started off great. I was able to sleep in… 9AM that is. I woke up, got myself together and turned on the TV. Eventually I went down to the kitchen, as I was hungry and was greeted by my mother. I got myself something to eat and plopped myself in front of the TV in the den. My dad went out with my cousin, so it was nice to have the TV to myself. My mom didn’t bother me, except for a few interruptions, but I smiled, listened and when she was done, I continued on with my shows.
Eventually, my dad came home with my cousin. I’ve begun to feel a bit under the weather, so I opted out of taking a drink with them, when offered. I stayed curled up on the couch, under a blanket. Eventually, my cousin left and my dad came to sit down. Surprisingly, my mom followed. It was rare to see her actually sit down in the den. My dad said he needed to interrupt me. I knew it was going to be something stupid, but I reluctantly paused my show and gave him my attention.
He begins with, “Are you financially ok?”
To which I replied, “Yes, why would you -”
“Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re working non-stop, two jobs. You’re getting sick. If you need help, I will help you.”
“Dad, I promise you I’m fine, but thank you.”
“Are you sure?”
Just when I had thought it was over, he asks me again. At this point, now I’m getting pissed off. I know he means well, but after I tell you I’m ok, you continue to press a non-issue. I just simply wanted a day to relax and catch up on my shows. Now you’re not only interrupting my show, you’re making something out of nothing.
Before I knew it, I lost it. My mom tried to intervene to which I shot down. I went crazy, yet remained in a somewhat calm voice.
“Ask me again.” I said.
“Are you sure you’re ok?” he replied.
“Why are you making this an issue!? I said I was fine. I appreciate the concern but I’m fine. I need to save money. I need to get out on my own. How am I supposed to do that? You’re accusing me of working too much!? What the hell!?”
“Every time I talk to you, there’s an attitude..”
“No, I was nice in the way I responded. You kept pressing me and that pissed me off.”
“Well children don’t always tell their parents -”
“This is not that! Understand me. It’s the fall. People get sick. I am now getting sick. It has nothing to do with me working two jobs. I told you I’m fine. End of conversation!”
I ended up watching the end of my show and then I went to shower and left the house. I was so furious about the whole situation. I know it was coming from a good place but it was so unnecessary for him to press me like that. Interrogate me like I’m some common criminal. It just pushed me over the edge.
As I drove off and of course began thinking about everything, I began to think… I can’t please him or her. if he’s not pissed off at me, then she is. If she isn’t, then he is. I CAN’T WIN! I was so upset at the whole situation.
You wonder why I’m not happy? I’m 30 years old and still living with my parents. I have a decent job, yet I had to get a second, part-time job just to survive. The saddest part is that I’m not even paying rent or buying groceries on a normal basis. I just still can’t get ahead. I’m gay as the sky is blue, but I put on a charade for my parents so that they’re not “disappointed” or “ashamed” of me. I’m embarrassed to even have a girlfriend because I have nothing to show. I’m ashamed to bring her home because I still live at home. As I get older, I want a boyfriend and a true lover. I want to have someone I can turn to when I have these feelings, instead of heading to a Target to walk off my frustrations.
I’m getting older and my friends are either getting married or have been married. They’re starting their families, having babies and I want all of that. I want to find a guy that is beautiful inside and out and accepts me for who I am. I want to have a house of my own to call a home. I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck. I want to be comfortable and financially secure. I want to go on dates and forget the harsh world we live in, even for an hour. I’m always so focused on others, I’ve realized I neglect myself. I’m so selfish to myself and never selfish for myself. I put everyone and their problems first all the time and never put myself first.
Call it a curse, but it’s the truth. I’m so concerned about pleasing others that I RARELY worry about pleasing myself. I don’t splurge on myself. I hear other peoples problems and make them my focus.
I don’t know anymore. I’m just tired. Tired of life. Tired of working. Tired of trying to please everyone. I’m just tried. And no, before you get all crazy, I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I mean, the thought did cross my mind once, but it’s something that I could never bring myself to do. I think that despite my rant, I truly love life too much to do anything of the sort.
Anyway, I’m honestly tired. I’m just going to post this and get to bed… Until next time…